Jean did a great job answering the question below and I agree with her suggestions. As I considered the same question I began to observe some interesting things about advice.
1) Good advice is seldom there when we seek it, but tends to surface when we don’t. Perhaps this is because when we seek it we are looking for something specific, some type of perfect fit and write off everything else in the mean time. Whereas when we don’t seek something specific we tend to be more open to different ideas (regardless of when we apply them)
2) Good advice is timeless. I’ve applied advice as soon as I’ve received it and discovered quickly that it’s no good. I’ve also ignored advice in the short run and had it resurface over and over again in the long run proving itself over and over again as great advice. In other words? Whether somebody applies your advice immediately or not is (as Jean indicated) a good measure of their sincerity, but not necessarily a good measure of how good your advice is.
3) Many people who don’t want advice seek it. Personal opinion: a genuine advice seeker is hard to come by. I’ve been guilty of seeking advice for funky reasons before as have people close to me. Here are some possible reasons why we do this:
· Validation: I want you to make me feel good about what I’m doing or not doing. I want you to help me feel like what I’ve perceived as a problem is not actually something I should worry about
· Awareness: I’m asking for your help to let you know that I recognize this is a problem even if it’s one I’m not likely to try to fix anytime soon (I’m not oblivious to what’s going on)
· Praise: I’m asking your advice to compliment you.
· Venting: I’m not comfortable venting, but if I vent in the context of seeking advice I feel like I’m “seeking help” instead of venting.
· Cut to the chase: We don’t have much time to talk so let’s cut to deeper conversation topics (a.k.a. I don’t know how to classily bring up a subject I want to talk about)
4) Tips on how to pick out a genuine advice-seeker:
· Look at their situation in life: Dr. Deb Brown on her website says that people who are starting something new or doing a task well are seldom in need of encouragement over advice. Thus, if a person like this approaches you for advice they are more likely to genuinely want it and more likely to be open to what you say. Conversely, if you are talking to someone who has been working at something for a while and is still struggling with it, trod more carefully. They are very likely starting to doubt themselves, feel vulnerable, and be in need of something other than advice.
· A few extra questions can go a long way. This may be particularly hard in situations akin to the one outlined below. When we see countless solutions to overwhelming problems we often are very quick to share our ideas the second somebody opens up to us. I’m definitely guilty of this. I begin to come up with my advice two phrases into a person’s expressed concerns. Perhaps slowing ourselves down and asking a few more questions to determine what for and why this person is seeking our help could go a long way.
· Evaluate resources. Sure, maybe somebody has been married longer or has kids that are older, but that doesn’t mean they have the same resources for good solid information that you do. Again, Dr. Brown, “If people are lacking the basic knowledge or skills needed to make things better, they’ll need more than uplifting words; they’ll need resources!” Does the person you are talking to have solid sources of good information? Sometimes it is a matter of effort: I have one friend I turn to for advice frequently because she has read book after book on childcare and has thus filtered through the muck to get to the good stuff. Needless to say, I am very genuine when I go to her for advice as she has more resources to draw from than I am willing to go to for myself. Information is power for somebody who doesn’t have it. If a person has all the same resources and information that you do, it’s likely that they aren’t genuinely seeking advice from you.
That's all I've got for now. It was neat thinking about this and beginning to observe advice trends in my own life. Thanks for the question!
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