Question from a reader

My husband's brother, wife, and 2 kids came to visit us for the first time ever (we've been married almost 3 years and have visited them 3 times) last weekend. My in-laws allow their kids to run the show in their household. My nieces are adorable, but completely out of control. The 3-year-old routinely goes to bed at 10pm, and never takes a nap (except when she crashes midday from exhaustion). In contrast, our 2-year-old goes to bed faithfully every night at 7pm and takes a 2-hour nap each afternoon. In one of our rare moments alone together, my sister-in-law asked me for advice on disciplining her 6-year-old. I gave her some ideas, and then the conversation spun into complaints about her husband never helping with the kids and how she's exhausted all the time from dealing with her rowdy 3-year-old and "emotional" 6-year-old. I sympathized, and gave her some more ideas, citing a regular sleep schedule as one of the best things we've done for our son. I also gave her a book on improving your marriage (The 5 Love Languages) and recommended that she try it. It felt odd though, to give her advice because she's been married for 6 years longer than I have, and she's 7 years older than me, and both her kids are older than mine. Should I have reassured her that her kids are great and she and her husband are doing a great job? Could I have toned down the amount of advice I gave?

Dear reader,
To (mis)quote Harry S. Truman:  “I have found the best way to give advice to people is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.”

I’ve been in your situation myself and I know it’s a tough one.  I think the real issue here is figuring out if your SIL just wants you to listen to her blow off steam about out-of-control children and less-than-perfect husband OR if she is really asking for your help and advice.  You certainly gave her some good advice (suggesting she read a book that we highlighted on this blog early on, “The 5 Love Languages”)—do you know if she has asked on it?  It would certainly be easy enough to call her up/send an email to ask how she liked the book, or to ask what her love language is, or if she has been able to determine her husband’s love language, or even if she shared the book with her husband.  Those are all pretty innocent questions to determine if she took your advice.  If she did, great.  That means that she is truly interested in what you have to say and is open to receiving more.  If she hasn’t made any attempt to read the book, then you can probably assume (and one does need to be careful about assuming anything) that she was just feeling frustrated about her family situation during her visit and just wanted to vent….and you were in the right place at the right time.  She might have been feeling a bit of jealousy about the good relationship that you have with your DH and how he helps around the house and interacts with your son.  Given that this was her first to your home, she might have seen your husband, her BIL, in new eyes and wondered why you were the lucky one to get the “good son.”  If you know that she doesn’t really want advice about her husband, it would be good if you could talk him up to her and point out his good qualities whenever you have the chance.  Sometimes seeing your DH through someone else’s eyes is a good way to remind yourself what attracted him to you in the first place.

Now if she has read the book you suggested, it’s time to gently advise her on how toget her children on track.  When kids are out of control, it’s generally the parents’ fault…they are the ones who have goofed up and the kids are just reacting to bad/inconsistent parenting.  It could be that your SIL thought she had pretty good kids until she saw your well behaved son--who sleeps as well.  The key is to not give her too much advice at a time.  Give her one idea and let her try it out.  Gently remind her that sometimes when you’re making changes with your children that things get worse before they get better and that sometimes it takes consistency for 21 days before old habits/behaviors are broken.  Share more ideas over time—suggest books that have helped you, tips you’ve gotten from friends or family, and observations you’ve made as you’ve watched other parents.  And lest she think that you are the perfect parent, share the things that make you smile about being a mom and the times you want to pull your hair out!  Even if she doesn’t ever take any of your advice, keep finding subtle ways to share with her—you never know when you might say just the right thing that will turn her life around. 

One of the most important parts of being “family” is simply being there for each other.  Be willing to listen, don’t judge (though you don’t have to condone bad decisions) and find positive, truthful things to say about family members.  You mention that this situation feels a little awkward because this SIL is significantly older than you…I have found that while some people grow older, they don’t necessarily grow wiser.  You might be years younger in age than your SIL, but you might be decades wiser than her.