DIL: Help! My MIL wants to be there for my baby's birth!

Dear Outlaws:

We just found out we're expecting our first child!  After we told my in-laws the great news my mother-in-law announced in a very forward manner that she was going to be there for the birth.  I really want my own mom to be there and feel like having both would be overwhelming in our little one bedroom apartment.  I'm pretty sure my DH is going to do anything about it either so it's up to me to take care of this.  I don't know what to say or do...please help! 
 

One Distressed (and already feeling claustrophobic) Daughter-in-Law

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Dear Distressed,

First off!  Congratulations!  There's nothing quite like the feelings that accompany expecting your first child.  Hopefully all is going well.  As far as your reason for distress? I will provide a variety of thoughts and ideas that came to mind when I read your question.  Hopefully one of them will either work or at least lead to a solution that will work.

Principle #1:  No matter what you decide to say to your Mother-in-law do it in three sentences.  When you consolidate your thoughts down to three sentences you are more clear and come across a lot more confident.  Rambling often takes the flame out from underneath you and allows a lot of room for intentional or unintentional misinterpretation.  No need to candy coat what you want to say: be kind, be bold, be confident. 

Principle #2:  There's a possibility that you're feeling frustrated that your husband isn't stepping up to bat on this one.  Obviously the first step is to have a heart to heart with him about talking to his mother.  If this doesn't work don't push it. Pregnancy is much more difficult when you push away your best friend for silly reasons.   

One of the ideas that we focus on again and again on this website is creating your own relationship with your in-laws instead of "hiding" behind your spouse.  Remember that your husband's relationship with his mother is likely much more established (and less mold-able) than your relationship is with her.  One of the two of you needs to create a positively honest and forward relationship with her or else this same sort of thing will likely show up again.

Though I like to think that I had a good relationship with Jean before it didn't really blossom into what it is today until we started talking independent of my hubby (and our first son was a huge turning point for that).  In other words?  Count and use this as an opportunity instead of a point of tension between you and your husband.

Here are a couple of ideas of what you could say to her:


Idea #1:  Something more or less like this:  Diane, I appreciate your being so eager to help and support us when the baby comes:  it makes a big difference to me that you're so excited.  So you know, my mom is also planning on coming for the birth to help out.  It would be very helpful to us if you could hold off on your visit for a couple of weeks so we can spread the help out over a longer time frame.

Idea #2:  Diane, could you come out to help a few weeks after the birth of the baby instead of right when he/she comes?  My mom is coming right around the birth and I would really appreciate having continued support after she leaves.

There are obviously a lot of different variations that would be possible.  The two "must haves" in my mind are 1) be upfront about the fact that your mom will be there (she'll find out one way or another)  2) make it clear that it's not her visit that doesn't work it's the timing of her visit...help her know you will be grateful for her time and sacrifice. 

It's easy to turn to your mom through all of the ins-and-outs of your pregnancy.  It may not hurt to ask for your MIL's opinion and experience as well.  Afterall she's been through it as well.  It will be a good way to keep her involved especially if you've just taken being a part of the birth away from her.  It could be that through all your questions and conversations you may be able to get to the bottom of why she's so insistent on being there in the first place which will bring you more understanding and possibly more positive feelings towards her otherwise overbearing gesture.

Been in a similar situation?  What did you do?  Please feel free to comment below!

A message to any long distance mother-in-laws that are reading this:  Your visit after a baby is born is very helpful and exciting to a new mom.  Be sure to check with your DIL about what time she thinks would be ideal for your visit.  My in-laws came to meet their grandson about a month after he was born.  That timing ended up being just perfect for me!  A friend of mine had her MIL come almost 3 months after her baby was born and that was perfect for her because her MIL was able to help her with solving some sleeping problems (for both of them right?).   Every situation is so unique.  Talk openly on the topic and it will be a more positive experience for everyone!