DIL: Gift Giving the Sequel

Dear frustrated,

With 3 years of marriage and only 1.5 years of having children I hardly feel equipped to address this topic, nevertheless this is my one cent worth!  I agree with Jean that you, as the mother, handled the situation well given your circumstances.  Your situation sounds tricky tricky tricky.  Growing up I had a friend whose Grandpa always gave a varying amount of cash for birthdays and Christmas, sometimes different amounts to siblings (and I mean $25 vs. $200).  They laughed it off as senility, but I remember thinking how emotionally complicated something of that sort could get.  Granted they had the advantage of him not being consistent in who got more/less.

As to whether it would've been good to directly approach your IL's in such a situation is also tricky.  If someone were to find themselves in that situation currently my response would be to have your girls talk to them.  Brainstorm with them creative alternatives: gift cards, for example, are difficult to compare against each other AND resolves the problem of having to donate your gift to charity within a few weeks of the holidays.  (I recognize that there are many a more options in this area now than when you were raising your family though).  You may be surprised by how many good ideas your daughters will have.  Have them approach their grandparents and explain that the current situation is not working and suggest some alternatives.  True, as a parent, you can talk adult to adult to your IL's, but you have a few advantages in having the girls do it:  1) They are blood relatives, you are not (they have a higher chance of not being "written off") 2) The girl's relationship with your IL's is likely significantly less complicated than yours is (which, in my mind, means that there will be less chance for offense) and 3) You teach them a lesson in how to approach touchy subjects with relatives (something that obviously comes in handy: case in point? This blog).

It could very well be that your IL's have/had no idea that they are/were hurting their grandchildren.  It's easy to forget how smart children can be when you are increasingly detached from raising them and being that young yourself.  Perhaps they assume that your daughters don't know the difference.  As my husband told his supervisor at work a while back "if you don't tell me what I'm doing wrong, I don't even stand a chance at fixing it."  If the situation remains unresolved after taking these steps (or similar ones) than it stands as a life lesson to be sure :).

Do your best to learn from your IL's mistakes with your own Grandchildren.  Perhaps in due time the hurt incurred by your IL's will be entirely overshadowed by new traditions and fun exciting ways of giving gifts allowing your girls (and their children) to never have cause to remember or retell stories of scars past.


All the best,
Stena