MIL: Letter from a reader - Gift giving

"I'd love for you to address the issue of gift giving.


My girls struggled for years with the gifts they received from their grandparents--my ILs.  They often got the same present even though they were/are very different people.  One year daughter #2 asked for a bathrobe and both girls got big ugly pink bathrobes which daughter #1 particularly hated.  Or they got such generic gifts that indicated little thought went into the present.  Or the saw what their cousins received and the price difference was mind boggling--my daughters got a book while their cousin got a DVD player (I'm not joking).  It was a great learning opportunity as I explained that life isn't fair (wisdom my own mother taught me) and that you aren't guaranteed a present nor are you guaranteed to like what you get.  You say thank you and send a note. If you really hate it, you can give it to charity and hope that someone else will love it.  In retrospect, I wish I'd been brave enough to talk to my ILs.  My daughters still talk about it and how much they were hurt knowing that their grandparents loved two of their granddaughters more than them and another son's daughters.  At one point, I think my SIL (and mother to one of the favorites) saw the inequity and tried to explain it by saying that her daughter had only one set of grandparents and so they were trying to make up for that.  No explanation on the other favorite granddaughter, but I suspect my ILs knew they had to be much more careful with their two daughters' daughters.  There would have World War II if these women thought their sister's daughter got more.


I'm through venting--I guess the issue is still a bit raw even though my ILs have been gone for years."

Dear Reader:  It sounds like you did a great job of using this situation (with their grandparents) to teach your daughters some important life lessons.  Those aren't easy lessons to understand when you're young.  And my guess is that the favoritism didn't come out just in the gift giving area of life.  Hearing your children ask "Why do Grandma and Grandpa love my cousin more than me?"--especially when those grandparents are your ILs--must touch a tender nerve.  I really don't know what you could have said to your ILs about the situation...nor do I have any ideas on what your husband might have said.  I commend you for reminding your daughters that they aren't entitled to gifts from anyone and that when a gift is received, a "thank you" is expected whether you like the gift or not.

My own mother's thought on gift giving is:  "Money is always the right color and the right size."  But, she also expects a thank you note....if you don't send a note, you can be sure that next year's gift will be smaller.  I think that's a fine attitude.  It's her money and she can choose to share it as she wants.  None of us (her daughters, grandchildren and great-grandchildren) are entitled to anything from her...it's her choice to gift to us as she wants.

For years my mom would buy, for Christmas, fun inexpensive things in bulk--bags of marshmellows, cake mixes, tubs of frosting, pencils, toothbrushes...you get the idea.  Then she would spend countless hours wrapping them for all of her grandchildren.  When her box arrived (or she arrived bringing the presents with her) there was not room under the Christmas tree to hold all the presents.  My boys woke up on Christmas morning knowing there would be dozens of presents to open--and that they would all receive the same presents from Grandma.  But that was alright with them.  They would get excited when one brother opened a box of brownie mix knowing that they'd be getting one too.  After all the presents were open, they would often write their names of their "grandma gifts" so that I didn't mistakenly use one of their mixes for the whole family :)  Grandma also sent a check each year and on the years she came to visit, she loved going to the store with the boys after Christmas to watch them spend the money.  She got great joy in watching them carefully consider their options and then making their final decisions (usually one Lego set or another).  She also loved watching them enjoy what they choose throughout the rest of her visit.

I love that idea...take your grandchildren shopping and let them pick out their own gift (after you've set the price limit)--what a great adventure for you to share with them AND you can see where their interests lie (do they love books or toys, trains or science equipment, etc.) AND they get a lesson in money management.  One year my sister took my youngest shopping for his own birthday present.  He put $30 worth of toys in the cart, but then she reminded him he only had $20 to spend, so he had to decide what he really wanted and put the rest back--a perfect teaching moment!

My SIL (my DH's sister) was a school librarian and every year she sent our boys a book for Christmas.  Each boy got his own book.  She wasn't always up-to-date on their reading levels so some years they got books that were too young for them, but but but, she shared with them some of her favorite books and also introduced them to new authors who became favorites.

Personally, my DH and I decided early on that we would give each of our boys 3 gifts for Christmas--a book, clothing and something else.  We often decided on our own what that 'something else' would be, but some years we asked for input from the boys.  And for us we never felt obligated to spend similar amounts of money on their gifts--one son got a Lego set and another son got a pair of skis; one son got a Letterman's jacket and another got a new pair of pajamas.  And some years they had to share their 'something else' gift--a race car track one year and a CD/stereo another.  Last year for Christmas, we instituted the 3 gifts for our grandsons--a book, clothing and something else--and that's what they can expect from us until we are gone.

Christmas is coming...what are your thoughts on gift giving?