MIL: Reflections on a Visit

After a long and busy summer (that's not over yet--we have a wedding this weekend), it's my turn to reflect on our visit with Stena and Freddie.

In the end it was a great visit and I came home with happy memories--but obviously it didn't start out that way...

I arrived not wanting to be a burden in any way (that is, I didn't want our visit to cost them any money or be a time drain for them) so I planned to do all the things I wished my MIL would have done for me during a visit--stock the fridge, do the dishes and the laundry, cook a few meals and play with my child.  I told Stena we were there to help, but I didn't take to heart her response (and I paraphrase here), "Well, just remember to let us be proper hosts." 

My DH is a get-it-done kind of guy and I knew it was important to him that we get all the grocery shopping done right away for the week.  (Fortunately, Stena had a week's worth of menus ready with a shopping list to go along with them.)  And, he's a creature of habit.  He's been eating oatmeal for breakfast since I married him (though he did take a break for a few years and switched to Total then Raisin Bran, but he's been back on oatmeal for many years now) and he prefers to cook it in the microwave.  So, after cooking it on the stove top the first morning of our visit, he asked Stena how she'd feel about putting up a shelf in the kitchen for a microwave.  We were both quite surprised by her quick and direct response--"no!" 

When Freddie came out to talk to me on the porch that second night, my feelings were hurt by what he shared and being me, my first thought was that we would just cut our visit short.  By morning, I had a clear head and decided I would just hang back, follow Stena's lead and see how things went. 

Stena and I headed out to the grocery store, got what was on her list (I tried to be careful not to make too many suggestions on what to buy), and on the way home, she started the discussion that we needed to have.  I was very appreciative for what she shared and felt like it gave us a clean slate to begin again.

One thing she shared was how hard it is to come "home" after being with immediate and extended family.  That was something I could certainly relate to...we had lived in Alaska for 23 years and for the first 7 years up there, I always struggled to readjust after a trip out to visit family.  It's not easy living so far from the people you love and who love you--and hourS long plane trips only remind you how far away you are from them.  I should have thought to give her the space and freedom she needed that first day to mentally readjust to "real life" instead of jumping right in with our agenda.

As a result of the 2 separate talks with Freddie and Stena, I did my best to readjust my thinking--realizing that what was important to Stena in a MIL visit was different from what had been important to me.  I took to heart Stena's request to be our hostess--and she was as my dad would have said, "the hostess with the mostest".  Leo kept washing the dinner dishes and I would help set/clear the dinner table...some habits are hard to break. 

The coming about of these "reflection" blogs happened on the last night of our visit...and I concur with what Stena and Freddie have said about that discussion.  I'm so glad Freddie followed the advice we had given one of our readers just a few weeks ago!

The moral for me--
--listen to what people are telling you
--don't make rash decisions when someone tells you what you don't want to hear
--don't assume what's important to you is the same thing that is important to someone else

What are the 3 most important things you have learned from visits with your ILs?