We arrived home from a family reunion (my side) the same day that Jean and crew arrived. They actually beat us to the house. They were quick to restock our fridge (which we had emptied of perishables before the trip) and cooked up a meal. What a blessing! Nothing better than a home cooked meal after a day's worth of travel. We watched some fireworks and had an extremely enjoyable evening.
The next day was a little rockier. Admittedly, after 6 months of blogging on in-law relationships and seeing my relationship with my MIL get stronger and stronger by the post, I was caught off guard that things didn't go so well. My DH was at work so it was up to me to be hostess (something that doesn't come naturally to me but that I feel is important). I was also adjusting to being home again (aka far from my family) so in general having an off sort of day. My typical coping mechanism for "off" days is work and chores (a.k.a. get moving)! Jean and Leo, however, wanted to save me and my 6 month pregnant belly the extra effort of chores and exertion. A very thoughtful gesture to be sure. As the day progressed and my time lounging on our byzantine sofa-bed then hammock then papasan chair increased my off-ness only got worse: by the end of the night I was a wreck.
During a walk with my husband that night the flood gates opened (as they so often do with husbands) and we talked through some potential reasons and solutions. It helped. I resolved afterward to talk to Jean the next morning and though I didn't know exactly what I wanted to say knew it would be best for us to talk about it. By the time I had slept and a new day had arrived I realized how much I had made little things into a big deal the night before. I decided to apologize for being "off" and leave it at that. It didn't take long, however, to notice that Freddy had spoken to his parents about some of my concerns before he went to bed. They both reacted marvelously. We found a happy medium where they stepped in and helped quite a bit (I wasn't left slaving at the sink and stove), but they still let me carry some of the load and contribute. The rest of the week, in my mind, went as wonderfully as spending time with family should be.
It was Freddy that first recommended we sit down on the last night and put everything out on the table in preparation for this blog post. It was fascinating to hear things from Jean and Leo's perspective as we reflected on the start of their visit. We laughed and chatted easily about things that just 6 days previous had been a large source of discomfort for me. We learned a lot about each other and even came up with some possible solutions to help us be more on the same page in the future.
MORALS OF THE STORY:
1) Straight-forward communication: Freddy's approach was more honest and straight-forward than my trite apology--thus it actually brought results.
2) Small Adjustments: It made a huge difference that Jean and Leo were quick to respond to my concerns but didn't go to some sort of extreme trying to compensate (i.e. they didn't stop entirely helping around the house which would've overwhelmed in the other direction).
3) Ask Don't Assume: make sure that the things that you would like to provide or would like to have provided are agreed on. Whether it be groceries or eating out or cleaning or buying furniture or babysitting...run it by your host. Yes, most hosts will be quick to accept, but it doesn't hurt for everyone to be on the same page as far as who is pulling out the credit card at the end of each errand. This goes both ways. It could be that your kind gesture as a parent is not being accepted as kindly as you would think and simply talking about it can help. Likewise, presuming that just because you are back in your parents house visiting means that you can act like you're a teenager again might not be going over very well either (this includes food, transportation, free babysitting...the list goes on and on).
No comments:
Post a Comment