Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch.
One of my friends mentioned that you could find out your love language via a 30 question "test" at 5lovelanguages.com so I decided to check it out. It takes just a matter of minutes, and I must say I wasn't at all surprised by the results. Later on I was talking to my husband, Leo, about the language I use to show that I love him only have him tell me that that is not his language for feeling loved...and that might explain a lot about the state of our marriage over the years!
Anyway, it got me thinking--if I knew the love languages of my daughters-in-law, would that help to better our relationships. Certainly, if nothing else, it would help me to get out of the "one size fits all" method that I've been using in my interactions with them over the years.
So, I asked my dear DIL, Stena, to take the love language test--first, answering the questions for herself and then to take it again and this time to answer the questions in the way she thought I would answer them.
Jean,
Ha! What a neat website! I went ahead and did my quiz a little while ago (and had my hubby do it as well). Here are my scores:
Quality Time (11)
Words of Affirmation (7)
Physical Touch (5)
Acts of Service (4)
Receiving Gifts (3)
This lines up pretty well with how I feel my languages of love would be. Then I took the test as though I were you, here's how it turned out:
Words of Affirmation (12)
Acts of Service (8)
Quality Time (5)
Receiving Gifts (3)
Physical Touch (2)
From my understanding of you I would've expected Quality Time to rank higher than Acts of Service, but after answering all the questions that's not how it turned out! Ah well! Now I'm curious? How'd I do?
Well, Stena, let's take a look at how our scores lines up...
Jean taking test as Jean Stena taking test as Jean
Acts of Service (10) Words of Affirmation (12)
Words of Affirmation (7) Acts of Service (8)
Quality Time (6) Quality Time (5)
Receiving Gifts (4) Receiving Gifts (3)
Physical Touch (3) Physical Touch (2)
It's interesting that the last 3 languages are in the same order and the numbers are really close!
Now for you:
Stena taking test as Stena Jean taking test as Stena
Quality Time (11) Quality Time (10)
Words of Affirmation (7) Words of Affirmation (8)
Physical Touch (5) Acts of Service (6)
Acts of Service (4) Physical Touch (5)
Receiving Gifts (3) Receiving Gifts (1)
This time the top 2 languages are same and again with very similar numbers. I guess we know each pretty well after just 2 years!
So, how can knowing someone's love languages improve your relationship with them? Here's an example from the conversation that Hal and I had together after discussing the book with my women friends.
I believe that the language I use to show love is "Acts of Service" and so I spend time every day doing things like making meals, ironing Hal's work shirts, keeping the house clean, always asking if Hal needs anything before heading out on errands, stopping whatever I'm doing to help him find something around the house or to do something for him, you get the idea. So, by the end of most every day I feel like I've shown him that I love him.
However, there are plenty of days when I can tell he doesn't feel loved by me.
Well, it turns out that his language for feeling loved is "Quality Time"--for example, he wants me to watch a Netflix movie with him (just sitting there as opposed to being in the same space, but my doing something else while I watch--ironing his shirts, sewing, doing the crossword puzzle in the newspaper, washing dishes, etc.); or he wants me to go on a bike ride/walk when he's in the mood to go regardless of what my plans might be; and I can feel him getting a little resentful when I spend time going out with my friends or even my sisters (book club, dinner, to the movies, you get the idea).
But, here's the rub...because I'm doing "Acts of Service" throughout the day, I feel like I'm telling him "I love you." So, when Hal wants me to do something with him or states that I love my friends/sisters more than I love him, I get a little resentful. In my mind I start thinking, "Uh, excuse me, did you not look in your closet and see those 7 ironed dress shirts! Did I not ask you what you wanted for dinner and then make it for you even though it's not my favorite meal??" And, since my next highest love language is "Words of Affirmation," when he doesn't express appreciation for all I do for him, I feel like all my efforts to show him love have been for naught.
Wow, you can probably tell that was some conversation we had! Since then, I have tried to be more aware of giving Hal my time when he wants it, not just when it fits with my daily schedule.
So, Stena, which do you think is more important in a relationship--knowing the other person's language for showing love or knowing the their language for feeling loved?
Jean,
I'd have to say that both are important for keeping a balanced relationship. It's interesting, right after I read your thoughts on the subject I received an email from a friend who is no longer with her husband who expressed to me how she wished that she would've expressed love more often and in ways that he understood it. I think a big downfall in a lot of relationships is simply not expressing love often enough. I think that's the first place to start improving a relationship is by expressing love more frequently. Then, as you go along I think it's important to fine tune the way that you express love so that it can be more effectively received.
The first time I even considered the idea of love languages was about five years ago when a friend told me that the best way to express love to someone is to look at how they express love and mimic that back to them. Ever since then I've tried to work on that. As we found my #1 love language is spending time with people. This makes it difficult for me to express love the way I interpret it to people who are very busy (let's be honest, who isn't)...I often feel pushed aside or like I'm a nag. I have one friend in particular right now that is going through a hard time. In an effort to show my love and support I like to pass by her house and visit. A majority of the time I feel kind of odd when I leave her house...kind of like she was doing more of a favor to me than receiving it as a kind gesture. Sometimes it's really frustrating for me to set out to help a friend and leave feeling like somehow I was the one that was in need. After having this discussion with you I'm realizing that spending time with her is likely not one of her main love languages...but perhaps she realizes it's one of mine.
My plan is to re-calibrate a little and see what I can do to change how I express love to her in a way that coincides more with who she is. The other perk is that for some people it doesn't take something super time or cost intensive for them to feel your love. This means you may be able to expand your circle of people you express love to (or at least that's what it means for me). You're opening me up to a whole new way to improve many different types of relationships.
Thanks for the insight!
Best,
Stena
How about you? How has your understanding of the love languages affected your life?
No comments:
Post a Comment