Dear Jean and Stena,
My boyfriend just proposed and I said "Yes!" I met with parents while we were dating and attended a few family gatherings, but now I'm going to be seeing them for the first time as the fiance. In the past I called them "Mr. and Mrs." but now that I'm about to become their daughter-in-law, I'm hoping to drop that formality. What should I do? Do I make the first move or wait for them to bring up the subject? And, what if I don't feel comfortable with what they suggest?
Signed,
Soon-to-be married!
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Dear Soon-to-be Married,
Definitely not alone on this one. Let’s be honest, nothing kills a conversation faster than not feeling confident in using a person’s name. Furthermore? Killed conversations is no way to build a better relationship with your ILs.
My MIL actually saved me from this one on my first visit to their house while I was dating my husband. I was navigating pretty cool-like through the seas of not using her name when she caught me in the kitchen one day. "Stena, just call me Jean." Boom...problem solved.
Recognizing that not everyone will be thrown a white and red lifesaver like I was...here's a simple solution: It doesn’t matter what you call them (well, within reason) just so that you agree on a name that you all feel comfortable with. Your best bet is to tentatively decide on something and approach each in-law individually on the subject. A simple, “What would you like me to call you?” would do the trick. If they're indifferent? Follow up with a, “So may I call you _______?” Done, settled, finished.
They very well could have an opinion (as my MIL did) so do your best to respect it and adjust to calling them according to their wishes…it is their name after all. If you don't feel comfortable with the name they give express that to them and settle on something else. It may be a little awkward expressing that, but a moment of awkwardness is the price you pay for a lifetime of comfort on the subject.
Also consider fun (respectful) nicknames. Nicknames can be very endearing and add a friendlier aspect to any relationship. Ma or Momma J or Mrs. Mom...I don't know…you find one that you like and run it by them. I've seen this go really well with a couple of my friends (including my DH). Extra emphasis on running it by them though as I just found out a few weeks ago that my BIL of 5 years doesn't like nicknames...oops.
All the Best,
Stena
Are you a mother-in-law scratching her head over how...and why!...your most amazing child chose their spouse? Do you wonder where you went wrong in their upbringing? OR, are you a daughter/son-in-law trying to figure out how your delightful and much loved spouse could have been raised by that battle ax--er, your mother-in-law. Ask the experts how to handle the each other without tearing the family apart in the process.
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