My son has been married for about a year and I didn't get off to the best start with his wife. I will admit that she isn't the kind of girl I wanted him to marry and was hoping that he might reconsider marrying her if he saw that I didn't like her. My son seems very happy and I want to change my ways, so how do I go about making things right with her?
(“START” by Jean written for the MIL above)
Say, "I'm sorry I wasn't as welcoming to you as I should have been when I first met you. Can we put the past behind us and move on from here." Or if you’re a better person than I am, ask “Will you forgive me?” Give her time to accept your apology...you might be ready to move on, but she might have hurt feelings that will take time to mend.
Temper any negative feelings you still harbor. When talking to your son, listen for all the things he says about his wife that he loves and appreciates. Then look for those characteristics in her and learn to appreciate them yourself. And, mention them to her. "When I was talking to Freddie last week, he told me that you have a great eye for decorating and he loves the new pictures you hung in the living room. I can't wait to see them." (Then don't forget to notice them the next time you go to visit.) Consider keeping an actual list of everything you hear your son say about his good wife and read through it often to remind yourself how lucky your son is to have a good wife.
Act today to be a better MIL. Say something positive about her to someone else. Call her and be a good listener. (Don't offer advice unless she asks for it…and then don't expect her to follow your advice! She might be asking many people for advice on the situation and someone else might have better ideas than you.) Phone calls don't need to be long...did you hear a good joke? Call and share it with her. Can't think of what to fix for dinner? Call and ask what she's making. Think of things that others do for you that are meaningful and then do similar things for, or with, her.
Remember her birthday, anniversary and other special dates. Send a card or an email to let her know that you are thinking about her. Remember, too, that she’s married to your son and you know very well that he is far from perfect…so cut her some slack when she’s having a hard day.
Tell her you love her, or at the very least, that you appreciate her. Sometimes just saying those words, will change your heart. There was a time when my life was pretty dark and someone challenged me to make a list of 100 blessings in my life. I thought it would take forever, but in a few weeks my paper was full and I was beginning to see blue skies in my life again. Make a list of 100 reasons you are grateful to have this DIL in your life. It might take weeks or months or even years, but when it's done find a special way to share it with her. My DIL, Lizzie, recently wrote a dozen things she loves and appreciates about her husband/my son--it was beautiful and warmed my heart. When you make your list, not only will it be a bright spot in the life of your DIL, but it will warm your son's heart as well.
(“NOW” by Stena written for the DIL struggling with a MIL that doesn’t like her)
New Impressions: “Got off on the wrong foot? My MIL didn’t even like my feet!” Sound familiar? If things haven’t gone so well up until this point in time it doesn’t mean that’s how it’s going to be forever. The first step is to let go of your first impressions of your MIL. It’s obvious by reading the above MIL’s concern coupled with Jean’s response that though they have a couple of decades on us they are just as nervous about us as we are about them. Especially if things didn’t start off well remind yourself that she was probably not herself when she made her first impression on you. Or it could be that your first impression of her was entirely wrong because it was a second hand impression coming from your then boyfriend/fiancée. Be willing to let go of those first impressions and replace them with new ones.
One on one time: “I’m going to the store” a phrase commonly heard when the MIL is around. Hop on board…go with her. Sure it may be a grilling, but it probably won’t be. It’s a chance to talk (without your spouse nearby), get to know each other as friends. Don’t ever see your MIL? Call her during the day or during your lunch break. Find a time where it’s just you on the other line. It could be awkward at first, but keep it up and you’ll find the time well worth your investment. If you find that’s not working consider dunking yourself in the deep end and committing yourself to a day trip or something longer than a quick jaunt to the grocery store. You may be surprised at how good of a day you have.
Welcome any improvement: If you notice your MIL trying to make things better accept anything and everything she sends your way as a compliment. Don’t become cynical about the ways that she reaches out to you. As seen above it is not an easy thing to correct a relationship if you’re the main reason it didn’t work out in the first place. Be quick to accept changes in the dynamics of your relationships. Be quick to forgive. Remember that making this relationship work not only affects you but your spouse and children as well. It may take forgetting and a lot of discipline to not hold it over her head, but no better way to show her how wonderful an addition you are to her family than to be quick to move on.
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